


Hand Sanitizer Love Story

by Shoeless_Sam



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Reddie, based off of an RP, its a rollercoaster lemme tell ya, so its crazy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-01-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:48:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22312012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shoeless_Sam/pseuds/Shoeless_Sam
Summary: What happens when you combine Richie Tozier and hand sanitizer? Nothing good. Add a neurotic Eddie who thinks he just poisoned his best friend and some weird shenanigans happening around town, and you got yourself some big trouble.OR me and my good friend were RPing and I got the idea to write it down... so basically this is a major crack fit
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 4
Kudos: 10





	1. Wet Wipes and Hand Sanitizer Will Save the World

**Author's Note:**

> please enjoy this insanity!
> 
> written equally by me and my friend! all dialogue and action is the same with some added detail for context

Richie was walking along the quiet streets of Derry, Maine when he heard footsteps jog up to him. He decided not to turn, in fear of Bowers. It was always safer to keep your head down. Instead, he focused on his phone.

“Hey Rich!” Richie let out a breath of relief and slipped his phone into his pocket. Red shorts and the smell of hand sanitizer met his senses.

“Hey Eddie Spaghetti!” Richie ruffled Eddie’s hair a little, his ongoing mission against Sonia.

“Don’t call me that, Rich!” Eddie huffed as he batted Richie’s hand away. Immeditaly, he started to try to fix his hair.

Richie laughed and bumped into Eddie a little. “And you’re allowed to call me Rich?”

“Where are you going?” Richie decided to let Eddie change the subject.

“Wouldn’t you like to know.” Eddie rolled his eyes, but still looked curious. “I’m going to the arcade.”

“Fun! Dirty… but fun.” The look on Eddie’s face told Richie he was focusing on the dirty part over the fun part.

“It’s not dirty! You just say that cause you’d rather live in a bubble.” Richie made it come out as a joke even though he knew it was more truthful than that.

“No, it’s not that!” Eddie started fuming. His cheeks and the tips of his ears turning pink. “Do you know how many people touch the controls?”

“According to my number one rank on most games, not a lot.” As much as Richie played them, he doubted he was truly the best.

Eddie started digging through his fanny pack. Even at 16, he still wore that thing. “You can never be too sure…” Finally Eddie pulled out a pack of wet wipes.

“Oh, not hand sanitizer this time?”

When they had entered freshman year, Eddie had discovered the wonders of hand sanitizer.  _ “It’s like a portable sink!”  _ he had said. Now he kept 3 or more on him at all times.

“Do you want some?” Eddie asked, wiping his hands even though he hadn’t touched anything. “I have options… the ones without scents are better for your hands. Did you know that?”

“No. Interesting,” Richie egged him on. “Tell me more, Eds.”

“Well if your skin is broken or dry the scent in the hand sanitizer can burn and hurt more. Same with lotions. Sometimes the scents can dry your hands faster too.”

Eddie stopped when he realized Richie was laughing again. “Spaghetti! I was joking. I don’t actually care!”

“You should…” Eddie was turning pink again. “It’s important information, Richie!” Eddie shoved Richie lightly as payback.

Richie shoved him back. “Important information like school work? No thanks!”

“It could help you in the future, dickwad!”

“Yeah, yeah. Like I’m gonna need it!” Richie argued back. “If I get out of Derry… I won’t have to worry bout that shit.”

“Well when you get out of Derry and have broken, cracked hands and use scented shit, don’t say you didn’t know.”

“Sure… what would I do without you?”

“Have painful, cracked hands?” Eddie smiled even though he didn’t want to. Richie always had a way of doing that.

Richie couldn’t help but smile back as a blush grew. He turned away as they entered the arcade. “Oh what a shame that would be.”

“How are you gonna play games when your hands are all cracked and the germs can get in easily?” Eddie went on. “Huh? Thought so!”

“Personal games then.” Eddie looked disgusted even though Richie wasn’t trying to make a dirty joke. “Not like that. Once Derry decides to live in the future and sell game consoles, no more going to the arcade.”

“Well… germs still exist there. So I win this argument.” Eddie let out a little laugh before trying to conceal it a little too late.

Richie shrugged, leading them over to Street Fighter. “Whoever wins gets to bang your mom.”

“Gladly losing then.”

“She is a beautiful woman…” Eddie gave him the middle finger in response. “This is why we’re the best duo out of the losers Eds!”

“I’ll agree with you on that one-- but hey don’t call me that!” Eddie dug out another wet wipe and handed it to Richie.

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this?” Eddie pointed at the controls with a serious look on his face. After a moment of Eddie not budging, Richie started wiping them down.

“Thanks Rich.” Eddie gave Richie a smile that sent butterflies to his stomach.

“No problemo, Spaghetti!”

  
  



	2. All's Fair in Feelings and Video Games

“You’re too good at this game, Rich!” Eddie said as they finished up their second game. They were doing best 2 out of 3.

“And I wanted to bang your mom. Wanna go again?”

“Beep beep!” Eddie screamed, face heating up once again. “But sure.” 

Eddie pulled out his hand sanitizer again. Before he could use it, Richie had already grabbed it.

“Hey! Give it back!”

“Nope!” Richie held it above his head where Eddie couldn’t reach. He hadn’t grown since 6th grade. “I’ll give it back when I think you’ve earned it. Now let’s play.”

“But Richieeeee! It’s dirty,” Eddie pouted. “If I win you’ll give it back?!”

“Hmm,” Richie pretended to decide for a moment. “Maybe.”

“Richie!” Eddie tried to jump for it, but just knocked against Richie. Richie slipped it into his pocket and wrapped his arm around Eddie’s shoulder.

“You really think you could over power me?” Richie asked, looking into Eddie’s eyes.

Eager for an exit from the proximity, Eddie watched as someone came in the backdoor. He was a boy Eddie had never seen before, but walked in like he owned the place. Richie must know who he is.

“Hey, Chee? Who’s that?” Eddie had started using more and more nicknames since they started high school. Chee had come from the week when Richie only ate cheese.

Richie followed Eddie’s eyeline to a boy with curly blonde hair. “Uh, a bitch?”

Eddie laughed. “He looks like one.”

“Oh you haven’t seen the half of it.” Richie kept his eyes on the boy while he walked up to them.

“Hey Richie!” The boy looked nice enough and was being polite, but Eddie couldn’t help but give him a dirty look.

Richie let go of Eddie, putting his hands in his pockets. “What do you want? Cause me and Eds here are pretty busy already.”

“Who even are you?” Eddie asked. The smaller boy also tried to lean closer to Richie who just pulled away.

“I could ask you the same thing,” the boy said, voice colder than Eddie imagined it could get. “You’re stealing my street fighter partner.”

“I’m Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie’s best friend. So looks to me you’re the one stealing.”

Richie turned to Eddie, cutting the blonde boy off. “You’re my best friend, Eddie? I mean, neither of us have really said that before…”

“I thought I was since you’re my best friend,” Eddie explained. “Thought it was an unspoken thing, dork.”

“I guess I need stronger glasses to see those then!” Eddie laughed softly at the joke.

“You two done yet?”  _ Oh, right. He’s still here,  _ Eddie thought.

“Are you done here yet?” Eddie asked, turning back to the boy.

The boy took a step closer to them. “I thought I’d hang out with an old friend.”

“We’re not friends, Connor,” Richie stated, backing up into Eddie.

Eddie was smart enough to put two and two together… this must have been Connor Bowers. Richie had told him about their last meeting. “Uhh, as of right now, this is a party of two not three. Sorry.”

“I thought the losers was 7 though?” Richie asked to lighten the mood.

Before Connor could comment any further, Eddie was already dragging Richie out of the arcade.

“Yeah it is, but right now it’s just us two hanging out.”

“I was… yeah, sure Eds.” Richie huffed out as they finally stopped a block later. Richie was so out of breath he wondered if maybe he had asthma. “Let’s go to clubhouse.”

“Wait Richie!”

Richie had just started to walk away but came back. “What Spaghetti? Ready to confess your undying love for me?”

Eddie’s face heat up again, and he started messing with his fingernails. “What?! Shut up dickwad. My hand sanitizer.” Eddie stuck a hand out expectantly.

“Oh…” Richie took the hand sanitizer out of his pocket and started lowering it into Eddie’s hand. At the last second, he lifted it back up.

“What are you doing?”

Richie started sprinting away. “Gotta catch me!”

“Richie! You dick!” Eddie yelled as he started to run after Richie.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we hate toxic people in this household


	3. A Small Meal

By the time they arrived at the clubhouse, Eddie had caught up to Richie. Not sure if Richie was going to run further, Eddie grabbed onto his shirt and sent them both flying down to the ground.

“Falling for me?”

“Shut,” Eddie mumbled, taking out his inhaler. He took two long puffs. “Up.”

“That would be too easy!” Richie said as he got up, pulling Eddie up with him.

Eddie didn’t move once he was up. Instead, holding out his hand again. “Hand sanitizer please.”

“Stop using -- what do you call it? Gazebos? Then maybe.”

“That’s what Greta called it,” Eddie reasoned. “And besides, it helps. Even if it is fake. Now my hand sanitizer, we were literally just laying on dirt.”

“It’s not gonna protect you against dirt, idiot.”

“Shut up, RIchie. Just give it back.” After what seemed like a minute of waiting, Eddie huffed in annoyance. “You know what? Keep it. You might just need it.”

“Why thank you, Edward!” Richie skipped over to the clubhouse door, grabbing Eddie’s inhaler on the way.

“Hey! I didn’t mean my inhaler dickwad!” Eddie brushed himself off more before following Richie.

“Finders keepers!” Richie yelled as he descended the ladder down.

“You seriously act like I don’t have a second one here…” Eddie mumbled following behind him. When he arrived at the bottom, he pulled out the second bottle of hand sanitizer.

“How’d you find another one? Did you steal it from me?” Richie asked, patting down his pockets. “Do you have super powers that allow you to generate more hand sanitizer out of nowhere?!”

“I’m a wizard,” Eddie shrugged. He started putting the sanitizer on his hands.

“You sure are. What do your powers include?”

“Having hand sanitizer at all times… and an inhaler.”

“That’s boring!” Richie laughed. “I’d have… flight and super speed!”

“Makes sense… what about good vision?”

“Overrated!” Richie moved to go sit on the hammock. “Unless it’s x-ray vision also.”

“Richie, you’re basically blind,” Eddie pointed out. He leaned against one of the pillars that somehow supported the roof / ground. “And besides, what good is x-ray vision?”

“First, I am not. That’s rude  _ and  _ ableist to say.” Richie held his finger up like he was giving a lecture.

“You definitely are blind.” 

“Second, to see through clothing obviously. I mean, I don’t need it since your mom will let me do that anyways…”

“Beep beep!! You dick!” Eddie crossed the room to stand by Richie. “Give me your hand.”

Even though he was more than confused, Richie stuck his hand out. “... okay?”

Eddie squirted a large portion of hand sanitizer onto Richie’s hand. “Rub it in. Those controls are dirty.”

“Ahh!! You have betrayed me!!!” Richie screamed and rolled out of the hammock and onto the floor.

“I’m trying to help you so you don’t get sick, dummy.”

“It burns!”

“Do you have dry, cracked hands?” Eddie shot back. “This one is scented. You did this to yourself.”

“I didn’t do this. It was… your fault!” Richie glared up at Eddie, still refusing to rub it in.

“How?” Eddie crossed his arms. Watching down with amusement.

“You put it on me?!” Richie looked down at it again, smelling it. “Eww!”

“It’s not gross, it’s good for you. But please don’t lick it.” Eddie waited for a response. “Trust me you won’t lick it.”

Richie looked between Eddie and the hand sanitizer. He reasoned it wouldn’t kill him. Sticking his tongue out, he licked all that he could up and swallowed it.

“That was a smart thing to say.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: don't eat Han sanitizer!!


	4. I Thought It Was an Open Invitation to Lick It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my co-author for this finally made an Ao3 account! You can find her [here.](https://archiveofourown.org/users/StanleyKasbrak/pseuds/StanleyKasbrak)
> 
> this is a lil surprise for her!

“RICHARD TOZIER! SPIT IT OUT!” Eddie yelled as loud as his lungs would allow.

“Am I in trouble?” Richie wiggled his eyebrows, a wide grin spreading onto his face.

“SPIT. IT. OUT.” Richie opened his mouth to show that the sanitizer wasn’t there anymore. “Richie… goddammit.” Eddie went to where they stored water and threw a bottle at Richie. “Drink this.”

The bottle started to roll away but Richie caught it in time. He took a gulp of water. “You’re no fun.”

“I don’t want you to get fucking hand sanitizer poisoning, you dumbfuck!”

“But wouldn’t that be a great story?”

“Oh, yeah. Here lies Richard Tozier, died from  _ licking  _ hand sanitizer.” Eddie made sure to express his sarcasm. He truly couldn’t believe Richie had actually licked it.

“Exactly!”

“You’re a dumbass,” Eddie muttered as he went to sit on the hammock.

Richie scrambled behind Eddie who was already sitting comfortably in the hammock by the time he got there. “Hey, don’t take my throne!”

“Don’t lick hand sanitizer,” Eddie shot back.

“Rude.” Richie tried to squeeze in with Eddie. When he realized he couldn’t fit next to him, he took his usual spot on the other side of the hammock.

“You’re so freakin’ tall.”

“Yeah, it’s all the awesomeness in my body.” Richie gave Eddie a wink when he looked over.

“It’s all your dumbness.”

“Potato, patahto.” Instead of responding, Eddie put his face on Richie’s cheek. “Eww! Weren’t you the one supposed to be worried about germs!”

Eddie still didn’t move his foot, and Richie made no move to either. “I know I’m clean.”

“Your foot cannot be clean!”

“Have you met my mother-- don’t answer that!” Eddie’s face went bright red, already knowing where this was going.

“OH I’VE MET HER!”

“SHUT UP!” Eddie used his foot’s position to smack into Richie’s head. After it went to hit him a second time, Richie caught his foot and licked it. “YOU ARE SO GROSS!”

“Says the one who put his foot in my face!”

“You fucking licked my foot!”

“CAUSE IT WAS RIGHT THERE!”

“THAT DOES NOT MEAN LICK ME!”

“I THOUGHT IT WAS AN INVITATION!”

Eddie let out an annoyed scream. “Why the fuck would that be an invitation?!”

“I don’t know you tell me!”

“What is with you and licking things today…” Eddie made sure to stick his foot under Richie’s back so it wouldn’t get licked again. “You could have, like, alcohol poisoning.”

“Yeah you wish!! And also… it’s a primal needs Eds.”

Eddie tisked at him. “Richie, how are you feeling?”

Richie looked down at himself for a moment. “I mean… handsome.”

“Sure, but how are you  _ feeling _ ?”

“I told you--” Richie stopped his train of thought, locking eyes with Eddie. “Wait. Did you just agree with me?”

“What?!” Richie could see the tips of Eddie’s ears going pink. “What are you talking about? I don’t know what you mean…”

“Whatever. Don’t worry Spaghetti! I am A OK!” Richie saluted Eddie before he tumbled out of the hammock.

  
  



	5. Icecream is Magic

“Richie! Jesus Christ, are you okay Dumbo?” Eddie peeked over to the floor where Richie laid on his stomach.

“Yeppers peppers, Eddie baby!” Richie flipped onto his back and smiled up at Eddie.

“Don’t call me baby,” Eddie huffed, his face getting even more red somehow. He stuck a hand down for Richie.

“But you are a baby!” Richie grabbed his hand but didn’t let him pull him up, just held it. “A small, little tiny baby boy!!”

“Richeee! Shut it!” Eddie tried to pull on his arm to no avail.

“Nope!”

“You little rat.”

“THAT I AM! I AM TRASH!”

“Shush!”

“NOOOOOOOOO,” Richie screamed at the top of his lungs.

Eddie felt like his eyes were gonna pop out of his head. “... Rich?”

“Yes?” Richie answered in the calmest voice he’d ever used.

Now Eddie was starting to get worried. Sure, this could just be Richie… but this seemed worse. “You okay?”

Richie watched how Eddie furrowed his brow and turned his head to the side like a confused dog. He wanted to make sure to reassure him. “I AM FINE!”

“Are you sure?” Richie moved to sit on the ground, but kept holding Eddie’s hand.

“I am very sure. As sure as I am that… birds don’t fly.”

Eddie waited for a second. For anything. For Richie to tell him he was joking or for someone to say the hand sanitizer was another placebo like his inhaler. And when no one did, he really started to worry.

“We… we need to get you to the hospital or something. I think you have alcohol poisoning. Or maybe something worse.”

“I am NOT going to Sonia Kaspbrak’s kingdom.” Richie let go of Eddie’s hand to cross his arms over his chest.

“Richie… you might need to.”

“NOOOOOOOO YOU CANNOT TAKE ME!”

“Please? I’ll get us ice cream?”

Richie stopped screaming and thought it over. “... okay.”

“Come on Rich…” Eddie got out of the hammock, holding out another arm for Richie. Richie took it and stood up, following Eddie out of the clubhouse.

“Which hospital are we going to?”

“I thought we could go to Dr. Keene first. Maybe he can tell us what to do.”

“Let’s go to Billy’s!”

“Nope. Dr. Keene first.”

“BILL.”

“Richie. I will only say this one more time. You could literally die. We are going to Dr. Keene.” Richie didn’t seem to be budging. “And you won’t get ice cream unless we go to Dr. Keene’s.”

“Fine.”

“Thank you.”

  
  



End file.
